


The Changing of the Guard

by LadyEleanor456



Category: Chalet School - Elinor M. Brent-Dyer
Genre: Community: Lime Green Musing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:35:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25345540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyEleanor456/pseuds/LadyEleanor456
Summary: Originally posted on the CBB/ SDL.
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

Two meetings were taking place on the Gornetz Platz. One in the Headmistress study at the Chalet School, and the other in Jack Maynard's study at Freudesheim. Both these meetings were to have unforseen and far reaching consequences for all on the Platz.

"But what can we do?" Nancy Wilmot asked her colleagues despairingly.

The Deputy Head, Kathie Ferrars, drummed her fingers on the desk, "You say you can't find the records anywhere?"

"Nowhere. Yet I know they exist. I've seen them!"

"When?" asked Sharlie Andrews.

"Before I became Head," replied Nancy, "When we thought she was turning 60 and were planning on throwing that party for her. The records said she was only 58, so obviously we put it off, but that was 15 years ago."

Kathie let out a low whistle, "But that would make her 73! Surely old enough to retire her?"

"If only I could find proof of her age!" wailed Nancy, not sounding at all like a Headmistress.

"She looks good for 73," mused Sharlie.

"Of course she does!" replied Nancy, "Since Jem and Jack shut the San and re-opened it as a plastic surgery clinic, she has been getting regular treatment. We will never convince anyone that she is pushing 80!"

"Speaking of Jack, have you managed to solve that little problem yet?" asked Kathie delicately.

"No," said Nancy, the wail returning to her voice. "He keeps coming back for my 'final answer'. I don't know how many times I have told him 'no' but he keeps insisting on giving me time to think it over."

"Who'd of thought it," said Sharlie, "Joey dying last year and Jack falling head over heels for you and proposing every week."

"To get back to the main problem," said Kathie, trying, and failing, to suppress a grin, "Have you tried asking Nell Wilson for help?"

"I saw her yesterday," said Nancy gloomily.

"And?"

"She threw an empty gin bottle at me at the mere mention of her name and then attempted to run me over with her wheelchair."

Suddenly all the women froze.

"Listen!" hissed Sharlie.

They heard the gate to Freudesheim open and close. There was a brief moment of silence, then sharp tap of shoes and the rustle of starch was heard in the corridor.

"Shit," said Nancy Wilmot, Headmistress of the Chalet School as the door began to open.

The stern figure of Matron was silhouetted briefly in the door way, her angels wings headdress casting a sinister shadow onto the wall above Nancy's head. She reached out a hand and switched on the light. "What are you all doing here in the dark?" she demanded.

"Just discussing school business," said Nancy, trying to sound like the Headmistress of the Chalet School and not a naughty Middle caught out in some nefarious deed.

Matron raised her eyebrows, "You do realise it is 22.15 don't you? You should all be in bed, especially you Sharlie, you have been looking peaky lately."

"That is because you have confiscated my cigarettes," muttered Sharlie rebelliously.

"Off to bed, all of you," was Matron's only reply.

The three women stood up and made their way to the door, Kathie silently thanking God that she had put the whiskey in the safe. They didn't want Matron confiscating that too.

"Dr Jem was at Freudesheim," said Matron as they entered the corridor, "He gave me this for you Nancy." And she handed over a piece of paper. "I will speak to Karen and she will make sure you stick to this one."

Nancy stared down at the diet sheet Matron had handed her. "Matron," she said firmly, "I do not need to diet. I am the perfect weight for my height and happy the way I am."

"Nonsense," said Matron crisply. "Dr Jack does not wish to marry a plump woman. Joey was beautifully slim if you remember."

"Joey was anorexic for the last twenty years!" muttered Sharlie.

"Nonsense!" said Matron again as she ushered them to the stairs and watched them begin to ascend.

"73?" Kathie asked softly as soon as she was sure they were out of earshot.

"14 stone is not fat! And I am not marrying Jack Maynard!"

"Can't we just sack her?" asked Sharlie.

"I've tried," said Nancy gloomily, "but she won't have it. And anyway, even if we sack her, what about Jack and Jem?"

"We could make this school even greater if it wasn't for those three," sighed Kathie as she opened her bedroom door.

"The Old Guard," said Sharlie.

"I think the time has come for the Changing of the Guard," said Nancy. "We will begin tomorrow."


	2. Chapter 2

The three women met in Nancy's study before breakfast. They knew that at that time Matron would be prowling the dormitories making sure that the girls were dusting their cubicles and making their beds with the proper hospital corners. She would also be searching for contraband.

"We need of list of changes to make," said Nancy, "And then, if we introduce them slowly, when Matron, Jem and Jack are otherwise occupied, then we can oust them by degrees!"

Kathie picked up a pen and paper and prepared to write.

"Duvets!" said Sharlie, "And modern mattresses!"

"Students above Inter V can wear make up if they are discreet," said Nancy.

"Change the uniform from those appalling dresses. What Hilda was thinking of I don't know," added Kathie.

"Bacon and eggs for breakfast. I can say I am doing the Atkins Diet," said Nancy.

"Hot baths for anyone who wants them," said Sharlie as Kathie scribbled furiously.

"With bubble bath!"

"Bring the curriculum more up to date."

"Ban Castor oil!"

"Block the gate between the school and Freudsheim."

The ideas were coming thick and fast when the bell sounded for breakfast.

"Joy," said Nancy, "Bread twists and milky coffee here we come."

Kathie hurriedly scribbled "Find a tea bag supplier" onto the list. They left the study and walked into the Saal for Mitagessen where the school was assembled. The sight that met their eyes brought them to a complete standstill.

The silence in the hall was unbearable. Their eyes took in the started faces of the girls, who were looking from Nancy to the staff table, and back again. Nancy dragged here eyes to the table. It was covered in red roses. Stood, where she normally sat, was Jack Maynard. A rose clasped between his teeth. He pulled it out and threw it, with a flourish, at Nancy's feet. He opened his mouth and began to sing,

"You're just too good to be true,  
Can't take my eyes off of you,  
You'd be like heaven to touch,  
I wanna hold you so much,  
At long last love has arrived,  
And I thank God I'm alive,  
You're just too good to be true,  
Can't take my eyes off of you,

I love you baby and if it's quite all right,  
I need you baby to warm the lonely nights,  
I love you baby, trust in me when I say,  
Oh pretty baby, don't bring me down I pray!"

Jack leapt from the table (no mean feat for a man of his age) and, on his knees, slid across the floor until he reached Nancy.

"Nancy Wilmot, I love you! Will you consent to be my wife?" And with another flourish he whipped a ring out of his pocket and presented it to Nancy.

Kathie peered closely at it, "That was Joey's ring!" she exclaimed.

"Don't do it Miss Wilmot!" cried a voice which Nancy recognised as one of the Elliot twins from Lower IVB.

There was a gurgle as Matron stepped forwards and shoved a dose of castor oil down the offending girls throat.

Taking Nancy's stunned silence for consent, Jack jumped up and jammed the ring onto her finger. He planted a sloppy kiss on her cheek at the same time as Nancy's right knee connected with his groin.

As Jack collapsed groaning onto the floor the door of the Saal flew open and Jem Russell walked in. A piece of paper was in his hand.

"What is this?" yelled Jem, waving the piece of paper wildly. "How dare you think you are going to change this school! My wife started this school! And it will stay they way she wanted it to be!"

"Ex-wife," said Kathie.

"What are you talking about?" spluttered Jem.

"Oh come off it," said Kathie, "We all know Madge left you for a surfer boy half her age and is living it up in New Zealand, and not keeping the home fires burning in Australia as you claim."

"You lie!" shouted Jem. He seized a bread twist and waved it threateningly in Kathie's face.

"And I have had a letter from her telling me to do what I like with the school," added Nancy, "And also advising me, in the interests of humanity, to push you over the nearest cliff. It is only through extreme self restraint that I have not done so yet."

Jem went white. "You'll pay for this!" he hissed venomously. "You, Kathie, Sharlie and all you laughing girls. You will pay! Come on Jack, Matron, we need to make plans!" And he stormed from the room, closely followed by Matron and Jack, who was finding it difficult to stand up right, although he did manage to blow a kiss in Nancy's direction.

Nancy surveyed the room thoughtfully, "Any of you girls good at carpentry?" she asked.

One of the Elliot twins raised their hand, "I am, Kevin, my brother," she coughed slightly over this word, "has been teaching me."

"Excellent," said Nancy, "I have a job for you!"

"Do you want me to nail up the doors of Freudesheim with them all inside?" asked the girl, and angelic look on her face.

"Errr, not this time," said Nancy, "Just the gate between the school and Freudesheim."

"No problem," she said, "Can my twins help me?"

"They certainly may," said Nancy, a twinkle in her eye once more.

The Elliot twin blushed, and with her sisters, went off to raid Gaudenz's carpentry set.


	3. Chapter 3

Back in her office Nancy poured a cup of coffee for herself and Kathie. The sound of hammering and sawing drifted in through the window.

"Stage One is underway," said Nancy, adding some 'brown milk' to her tea.

Kathie reached for the whiskey and added it to her own cup. "What do you think Jem will do? He sounded pretty cross."

Nancy shrugged her shoulders, "What can he do? I managed to contact the MD of PG Tips today and he has promised to supply us with tea. I don't see how Jem can interfere with that. As we speak the Elliot twins are not only barricading the gate between the school and Freudsheim, but they are also tipping Matey's entire stock of castor oil down the drain. Another Elliot twin with a flair for design is planning the new uniform, she is going for a simple skirt, blouse and blazer. The entirety of the senior school have gone to Unterseen to stock up on make up accompanied by Sharlie who is on a mission to buy something called a 'bath bomb'. And I have instructed Gaudenz to keep the boilers on permanently so we can all have hot baths any time we like. Tell me, how can Jem Russell prevent all that?"

"I don't see that he can," said Kathie thoughtfully as she accidentally swigged from the whiskey rather than her cup of coffee.

However at Freudsheim Jem was outlining the first stage of his evil plan.

Nancy stared suspiciously at the package offered to her by Kathie. She could smell it from the other side of her desk. "So this is a bath bomb?" she asked.

"You just drop it in the bath, and it fizzes like sherbet," explained Kathie.

"Is it safe?"

"Yes, and this one is especially for you."

"Why?"

"Sharlie and I decided you could have the first ceremonious hot bath! She is running it now."

Nancy looked thoughtful, "Where are Matron, Jem and Jack?"

"I'm not sure admitted," Kathie. "The Elliot twins have built a fine barricade between here and Freudshiem so they only way the can get into the school will be via the front drive which is currently being guarded by two of the prefects, so I think we are safe."

"Bath's ready!" called a voice. The two women walked towards the Special Headmistresses Bathroom and opened the door. They looked at the full bath. "I always assumed there would be steam," said Nancy as the door slammed behind them.

"And why?" said the evil voice of Jem Russell, "Why would you ever think there would be steam in a cold bath? Mwahahahaha!"

Nancy and Kathie's horrified eyes took in the site of Gaudenz slumped in a corner, with Sharlie collapsed next to him.

"What have you done to them?" asked Kathie bravely.

"I have merely dosed them," said Jem in between psychotic cackles. "Now, get in the bath," he growled.

"What?" said Nancy in shock.

"Get in the bath!"

"I don't think I want to," murmured Kathie. She had noticed the chunks of ice floating in the water.

Suddenly there was a terrific hammering on the door. "Miss Wilmot! Miss Ferrars!" called a voice, "We need your help!"

There was groan from Sharlie.

"Ignore them!" cried Jem, "And get in the bath!"

"Miss Wilmot!" called the voice, "I think Matron has gone mad!" There was a brief scuffle outside the door, and whispering could be heard, "Sorry Miss Wilmot, my twins said to tell you that Matron had gone madder!"

"Why do you want us to get in the bath?" asked Kathie as she exchanged worried looks with Nancy.

"To remind you of the joys of cold baths!"

Nancy and Kathie exchanged looks again, Kathie raised her eyebrows at Nancy who grinned and nodded.

"Very well," said Nancy, and she began to undo her twinset.

"What are you doing?" asked Jem suspiciously.

"Taking my clothes off," replied Nancy innocently.

"Why? Why are you doing that?" asked Jem as he backed slowly away.

"Well I am not getting in fully dressed, and neither is Kathie," said Nancy in the same innocent tone of voice. Jem dragged his eyes away from Nancy's splendid bosom to see Kathie removing her skirt.

"No! No! No!" cried Jem, "You must keep you clothes on!" He was so horrified by the sight of Kathie and Nancy stripping down to their underwear that he failed to notice Sharlie coming round and being sick on his feet.

"What's the matter Jem?" asked Kathie as she seductively removed her bra. But there was no reply. Jem had fainted.

Sharlie looked up at Nancy and Kathie. "What on earth are you doing?" she asked in bewilderment.

"I remembered Madge saying Jem was terrified of the naked female form, we were just taking advantage of that," smiled Kathie bending down and picking up her bra.

Gaudenz opened his eyes, he surveyed the scene before him, "Am I in heaven?" he asked.


	4. Chapter 4

Gaudenz dragged Jem's prone body from the bathroom and stashed it in a handy stock cupboard whilst the women retreated to discuss what they should do next.

In the cupboard Jem slowly came round, his head throbbing with images from what he had seen, but as the images passed before his eyes they were replaced with ones from earlier in his life...

...50 years earlier...

It was his wedding night. Peering through the crack in the door from where he stood in the bathroom he could see Madge, in her thick cotton nightie, which was, as he had asked, buttoned up to the neck. Summoning up his courage he walked into the room, Madge smiled in happy anticipation. Jem looked down at her. "Listen to me Madge," he said firmly, "this is what is going to happen. I am going to return to the bathroom and pleasure myself until I have achieved a sufficient hardness to perform. You will raise you nightie to your waist and wait. I will return to the room, enter you, thrust five times before achieving ejaculation. I will then withdraw, return to the bathroom and clean up. You will lower your nightie. In one months time you will inform me if you are pregnant or not. If not, we will perform the act of procreation once again. In 9 months time after a successful act of procreation we will have son."...

...25 years earlier...

"Madge," said Jem walking into his wife's pretty drawing room, ignoring the fact that there was a meeting of the WI going on in there. "I can no longer perform whilst looking at your body. In future, you will perform the act of procreation on top. There will be a sheet between us so I do not have to see any naked flesh." He turned and walked out of the room, leaving the WI stunned to a woman, Madge shrugged.

...10 years ago...

"You've been paying Rosa to perform the act of procreation with me all this time?" bellowed Jem in fury. An unfortunate incident with the sheet had revealed this fact to the hitherto unsuspecting Jem.

Madge shrugged, "I don't want any more babies, and you refuse to use contraception, what was I supposed to do?"

...5 years ago...

A horrified Jem backed out of the room where he had discovered his wife performing the act of procreation in a very naked fashion with the young boy he had been paying to teach Kevin and Kester to surf. Jem fled Australia and moved to Switzerland to live with the recently widowed Jack.

...now...

Jem realised he was no match for the determined women of the Chalet School. When he was released from the cupboard he resolved to return to England, purchase a small, remote island and live as a solitary hermit until he died.


	5. Chapter 5

Jack paced the kitchen, back and forth, as Matron sat chain smoking at the kitchen table. Occasionally she barked at Anna to bring her another coffee or jam tart. Anna had been banned from making lemon biscuits after Joey had choked to death on one.

"I must marry her Matron!" cried Jack.

"I agree," coughed Matron, "If you marry Nancy, she will have to quit teaching, then Kathie can become Head of the Chalet School, she will be much easier to control. Nancy has a mind of her own, which I don't like."

"She has more than just a mind," said Jack rapturously, "She also has an enormous pair of..."

"What's that?" cried Matron, spitting her cigarette across the kitchen. The cheeky face of an Elliot twin grinned through the open window and waved a letter.

"Dr. Jack?" asked the twin, "Miss Wilmott has sent you a message!"

Jack dived to the window, he grabbed the letter as the twin ran off. He ripped it open, sure that it contained a declaration of love. His happy face however began to look confused, "Matron," he asked, "What exactly is a restraining order?" He shook out a second piece of paper, "Oh look, there is one for you."

Neither noticed that in the corner, where the cigarette had landed among last weeks newspapers were now burning merrily. Anna slipped quietly out of the kitchen, taking her recipe for lemon biscuits with her.

Matron strode over to Jack and wrenched the paper from his hand and casually threw it over her shoulder. It landed in the flames, which were now licking their way up the kitchen units.

"She won't get away with this!" said Matron, "I will bring in reinforcements if need be. I didn't get rid of Joey to be thwarted by a woman who thinks chocolate is a valid diet food!"

"What do you mean?" asked Jack.

"She thinks chocolate makes a suitable breakfast!" bellowed Matron, and she moved towards the phone.

"No, I meant about Joey," said Jack, failing to notice that the curtains were now on fire.

"I killed Joey!" said Matron, "And got rid of Madge too!" She dialed a number.

"You killed Joey? Why? And what have you done to Madge?" asked Jack, backing away from Matron in horror.

"They were going to retire me!" said Matron, "Hello?" she spoke into the phone.

"And... Madge?" asked Jack, blinking to keep his eyes clear of the smoke.

"I always knew she would be trouble, so I arranged her marriage to Sir James to keep her out of my way," said Matron. She spoke into the phone again, "Tristan my darling? We are going to have to take control now, Freudesheim is burning, Jack knows all, give me five minutes to kill him and then meet me in Nancy's study. Everything is turning out exactly as I have foreseen."

Jack backed slowly towards the door, which was also burning. "Tristan? Tristan Denny? The music teacher? What has he to do with this?"

"Once you are all out of the way, Tristan and I will marry, and take full control of the Chalet School," said Matron. She rummaged through a burning drawer, and pulled out a knife, the blade was glowing red. She raised it over her head and advanced towards Jack, an evil grin etched across her face.

Suddenly the door burst open and Tristan Denny, the school's handsome music teacher burst into the burning room.

"Matron my darling," he cried, "Forsooth, the building is on fire. I must rescue you my little elf!" He rushed forwards and seized Matron around the waist.

Jack backed away from the distracted Matron.

"Come, my little pixie," grunted Mr Denny as he tried, and failed, to pick Matron up.

"Are you a man or a mouse?" demanded Matron as she gazed lovingly into his eyes.

"Gadzooks," exclaimed Mr Denny, "If you would but leave off wearing the concrete chastity belt and the cast iron corset then I would be able to clasp you to my manly chest and carry you away from this danger."

"Not until the wedding day!" said a scandalised Matron.

Jack seized his opportunity to slip out of the door and escape.

"By our lady!" said Mr Denny, leering soppily at the object of his affections, "I hope the day comes soon, egad, for I cannot take the chafing of the concrete much longer my little leprechaun." They embraced lovingly, teeth clashing, and tongues twisting wetly.

Suddenly Matron pulled away, "Hell! The house is on fire, and where is Jack?"

Jack however had managed to batter his way through the blocked up gate to the Chalet School, fought his way past several Elliot twins and finally reached Nancy's office. He banged on the door, whist looking over his shoulder in terror at the massed Elliot twins, all armed with hockey sticks who were approaching from both ends of the corridor. Kathie opened the door and Jack fell at her feet, "Sanctuary!" he gasped, "I need sanctuary, please!"

Kathie looked over he shoulder at Nancy, "What do you think?" she asked the person stood behind her.

"Oh let him in," said Joey Maynard. "I want a few words with him."

Jack screamed in horror.

"But... But... you're... you're..." spluttered Jack

"Dead?" asked Joey, "You were happy to think that, weren't you?"

Jack tried to back out of the door, but it was blocked by the Elliots.

"Where do you think you are going?" said Joey, "Push him in girls." There was a discreet cough, "Oh, and Kevin," added Joey.

Jack found himself pushed into the kitchen. He fell to the floor at Nancy's feet, she glared down at him.

"Matron... Jem... they told me you were dead, you chocked on a lemon biscuit, I banned Anna from making them as a result..."

"And you believed them, you didn't even ask to see my body!"

"They said it was too horrible to view..."

"And how long had I been 'dead' for before you started after Nancy? A week?"

"Longer!" cried Jack, "But she was so kind to me after your death, and I was transfixed by her enormous..." he tailed off guiltily.

"Her enormous what?" asked Joey sweetly.

"Her enormous Mills and Boon collection," said Jack. Nancy blushed.

"It's true," she muttered.

"She has all the Doctors and Nurses ones," said Jack eagerly.

"So you were courting Nancy for her enormous Mills and Boons collection?" said Joey sternly.

"Yes," replied Jack desperately, "Oh, and her enormous boo..." he stopped talking quickly, seeing the look on Nancy's face.

"What shall we do with him Nell?" asked Joey looking round. The 112 year old Miss Wilson wheeled herself forwards, "I vote we push him off a cliff," she rasped.

"Miss Wilmot! I can see Matron!" cried an Elliot twin, "She doesn't look happy!"


	6. Chapter 6

Matron was definitely the opposite of happy. In fact, one could go so far as to say she was rather upset. The fact that she was on fire probably didn't help. Trailing in her wake, like a demented Elizabethen fairy, was Mr Denny. "Prithee my love," he was saying plaintively, "Come away with me now, forsooth, thou must forget the Chalet School and live in wonderous bliss with me!" But for all the notice Matron took he might as well have been talking to the kitchen sink.

The 46 assembled Elliot twins blocked her way, but she brushed them aside as if they were feathers. All but one were knocked from the path. The remaining twin looked like the others, but with subtle differences. The 'Adam's Apple' being the most noticable.

"Out of my way!" bellowed Matron, raising her clenched fist.

"You shall not pass!" cried the twin, who was armed with a large stick.

"Move!" demanded Matron.

"I am the servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Arnor! You shall not pass!" cried the twin, banging the stick hard on the floor.

"What on earth were Frieda, Simone and Marie getting up to in that Chalet, other than cloning?" muttered Joey. (plugging the original drabble 'Killing Joey' containing the Elliot twins here for people who are confused!)

Matron paused for a moment, which was just long enough for the Elliot twin to clobber her around the head with the stick. Matron fell to the floor like a felled ox.

"Hurrah!" cheered everybody, apart from Mr Denny.

However Matron was not downed for long. She leapt up, seized the stick wielding Elliot and threw him (her?) over her shoulder, incidentally taking out Mr Denny. Matron charged at the door of the school, which was now only blocked by the frail, wheel chair bound Miss Wilson. An evil grin spread of Matron's face.

"Get out of my way Nell," growled Matron.

"No," quavered Miss Wilson, a gin bottle clutched to her breast.

"Don't make me destroy you, like I destroyed Hilda," growled Matron.

"What?" cried Miss Wilson.

"I killed Hilda Annersley! I pushed her off a cliff and then thew rocks onto her corpse, covered it all with acid and set it on fire! What was left of her I fed to Bruno!"

Nell turned white with shock, she even dropped her gin bottle.

"Now get out of my way! Unless you wish to die too!"

Nell reached out her hand and pressed a button on her wheel chair. There was sound of metal grinding against metal, and a slowly a machine gun emerged from the top of the chair. She pressed another button and a flame thrower emerged from each arm. There was a burst of flame and a splutter of machine gun bullets and what was left of Matron could have been scraped up with a shovel. The residents of the Platz all gave a cheer.

"And now Jack," said Joey, "I think you have some explaining to do."

The End.


End file.
